I did have an enjoyable Christmas but sadly it was not one that passed by without touches of emotional pain. On a positive note -- I finally managed to get linked up with the online camera through Yahoo with both Dallas, in Baghdad, and Alexa in Ontario. It took almost 3 hours of trying to connect but when it would work in the garage and not in the office I started working on configuration. Of course since the garage cam was working we made it 4 way -- and included Charlie.
Dallas missed Christmas dinner on base because he wanted to 'spend Christmas with my family' and once I got mine working and Lexi got finished her obligations and could get online the mess hall had closed. We did have a chance to watch each other open gifts and share the moment.
Another positive point was dinner, and as usual I made way too much but I would rather have too much, and have it resemble a feast, than to have it like 'any other meal'. Even during the years I was a single parent and barely putting food on the table for the 3 kids we still managed to pull off a holiday feast. It was a pleasant meal and we both ate too much.
Another high spot -- our beautiful tree. Jim took me out to get it this year -- a live one, and he picked it out. I think its perfect.
And a very positive high spot -- I got a miter saw -- yippee!
But there were low spots. The high point of Jim making it home late Christmas eve (and me bouncing around excitedly telling him all about the activities of the last few days) took a sudden downward spin when he mentioned he was heading to bed. When I reminded him he had a stocking to fill he said "then you had better get the stuff out that goes in it." I was more than a little taken aback but I said simply that it doesn't work that way and he went to bed.
I filled his stocking and, after some reflection on a few other comments made over the past couple weeks regarding Christmas and gifts, I went to bed. I woke early (although later than the early hours I woke up at when the kids were small) and went out and logged onto the computer to see if Dallas was online yet. Jim got up soon after and I wished him a Merry Christmas. I asked if he wanted me to bring him his stocking and he said 'no'. I also mentioned that he might have to dig in his stash in the sock drawer [to fill my stocking] and I started the laborious process of getting the cameras working on the computers.
Jim did drop 2 of the 'sock drawer' packages into my stocking so once I got the cameras working in the office I asked him to come sit in by the tree and camera so we could open them. The 'sock drawer' gifts have accumulated over the past 3 years. On my birthday in 2005 he wrapped 2 but only gave me one. Another appeared later that year and at Christmas, yet another. On each birthday or Christmas he would get me something else and the gifts in the sock drawer stayed. Last year he commented that he could have added them to my stocking but he forgot about them. This year I reminded him well before Christmas and was told 'they are not stocking stuffers.'
So fast forward back to Christmas Day this year. I opened the first box and found a pair of earrings to match the necklace he gave me for my birthday in 2005. I was puzzled. Why not gift them as a set at the time? He had bought them at the same time -- but only gave me part of the set -- and 2 1/2 years later I only have the rest of the set because he had chosen not to get anything for my stocking. The second gift was another turquoise necklace but not a match to the earrings -- they clearly belonged to the necklace he had given me in 2005.
At that point, since only 2 of the 3 stashed gifts were in the stocking I asked what occasion he was saving the 3rd one for. I admit I was curious that it might be the earrings that go with necklace number 2 but that thought remained unspoken when he shouted out that I got all I was going to get. He then went on to say I got those because I wouldn't say Merry Christmas until he put them in my stocking (untrue and I corrected him) and that I don't give gifts -- I make contracts -- and that I couldn't give a gift without expecting something back. I only said 'Uh -- its Christmas'. I also pointed out that there were about 12 gifts under the tree for him and only 1 for me and I had not said a word about that. His next statements were even more confusing since he began accusing me of attacking him when he came in the door and that he should have stayed at work another day. I reminded him we had had a great evening and it was only when he was going to bed that there was any conflict and that it was dropped immediately. He agreed.
I mentioned the good dinner we had and things went better for the remainder of the afternoon. Later when I talked to Sandy and mentioned that Jim doesn't do Christmas well she agreed and said Bobby doesn't either. I guess part of my confusion is why it was so different this year. If he really does not want to do stockings or Christmas gifts then why did it just surface this year? I won't say I will agree to no gifts or stockings -- I already gave up the scavenger hunt the kids and I had made a tradition of. But it could at least be discussed -- I am not a bad person just because I expect something for Christmas.
The first year we were married he struggled with the stocking part a little because he had 'never had one and for sure never filled one', but Dallas helped him out with the stocking and I suggested some things he could put in it. The second year he had a few too many things so the extra ended up wrapped in the sock drawer. Last year he not only filled the stocking without any help but also had more than one gift under the tree, including some from 'Santa Claus'. He really appeared to enjoy the Holiday last year -- we had a wonderful Christmas. So what changed this year? And what reason could there be for him to hold back part of a jewellry set for almost 3 years and then be angry when he did finally give it to me? And why did he make the comment this year that he 'hadn't done this for 55 years so why should he start now?'
The high spots were more and better -- and outweighed the low spots -- but unfortunately they did not eliminate the confusion. This was the year Jim seemed to balk at anything Christmas -- he didn't give me a card, even though he did buy one -- and put it away.
Another positive point was dinner, and as usual I made way too much but I would rather have too much, and have it resemble a feast, than to have it like 'any other meal'. Even during the years I was a single parent and barely putting food on the table for the 3 kids we still managed to pull off a holiday feast. It was a pleasant meal and we both ate too much.
Another high spot -- our beautiful tree. Jim took me out to get it this year -- a live one, and he picked it out. I think its perfect.
And a very positive high spot -- I got a miter saw -- yippee!
But there were low spots. The high point of Jim making it home late Christmas eve (and me bouncing around excitedly telling him all about the activities of the last few days) took a sudden downward spin when he mentioned he was heading to bed. When I reminded him he had a stocking to fill he said "then you had better get the stuff out that goes in it." I was more than a little taken aback but I said simply that it doesn't work that way and he went to bed.I filled his stocking and, after some reflection on a few other comments made over the past couple weeks regarding Christmas and gifts, I went to bed. I woke early (although later than the early hours I woke up at when the kids were small) and went out and logged onto the computer to see if Dallas was online yet. Jim got up soon after and I wished him a Merry Christmas. I asked if he wanted me to bring him his stocking and he said 'no'. I also mentioned that he might have to dig in his stash in the sock drawer [to fill my stocking] and I started the laborious process of getting the cameras working on the computers.
Jim did drop 2 of the 'sock drawer' packages into my stocking so once I got the cameras working in the office I asked him to come sit in by the tree and camera so we could open them. The 'sock drawer' gifts have accumulated over the past 3 years. On my birthday in 2005 he wrapped 2 but only gave me one. Another appeared later that year and at Christmas, yet another. On each birthday or Christmas he would get me something else and the gifts in the sock drawer stayed. Last year he commented that he could have added them to my stocking but he forgot about them. This year I reminded him well before Christmas and was told 'they are not stocking stuffers.'
So fast forward back to Christmas Day this year. I opened the first box and found a pair of earrings to match the necklace he gave me for my birthday in 2005. I was puzzled. Why not gift them as a set at the time? He had bought them at the same time -- but only gave me part of the set -- and 2 1/2 years later I only have the rest of the set because he had chosen not to get anything for my stocking. The second gift was another turquoise necklace but not a match to the earrings -- they clearly belonged to the necklace he had given me in 2005.
At that point, since only 2 of the 3 stashed gifts were in the stocking I asked what occasion he was saving the 3rd one for. I admit I was curious that it might be the earrings that go with necklace number 2 but that thought remained unspoken when he shouted out that I got all I was going to get. He then went on to say I got those because I wouldn't say Merry Christmas until he put them in my stocking (untrue and I corrected him) and that I don't give gifts -- I make contracts -- and that I couldn't give a gift without expecting something back. I only said 'Uh -- its Christmas'. I also pointed out that there were about 12 gifts under the tree for him and only 1 for me and I had not said a word about that. His next statements were even more confusing since he began accusing me of attacking him when he came in the door and that he should have stayed at work another day. I reminded him we had had a great evening and it was only when he was going to bed that there was any conflict and that it was dropped immediately. He agreed.
I mentioned the good dinner we had and things went better for the remainder of the afternoon. Later when I talked to Sandy and mentioned that Jim doesn't do Christmas well she agreed and said Bobby doesn't either. I guess part of my confusion is why it was so different this year. If he really does not want to do stockings or Christmas gifts then why did it just surface this year? I won't say I will agree to no gifts or stockings -- I already gave up the scavenger hunt the kids and I had made a tradition of. But it could at least be discussed -- I am not a bad person just because I expect something for Christmas.
The first year we were married he struggled with the stocking part a little because he had 'never had one and for sure never filled one', but Dallas helped him out with the stocking and I suggested some things he could put in it. The second year he had a few too many things so the extra ended up wrapped in the sock drawer. Last year he not only filled the stocking without any help but also had more than one gift under the tree, including some from 'Santa Claus'. He really appeared to enjoy the Holiday last year -- we had a wonderful Christmas. So what changed this year? And what reason could there be for him to hold back part of a jewellry set for almost 3 years and then be angry when he did finally give it to me? And why did he make the comment this year that he 'hadn't done this for 55 years so why should he start now?'
The high spots were more and better -- and outweighed the low spots -- but unfortunately they did not eliminate the confusion. This was the year Jim seemed to balk at anything Christmas -- he didn't give me a card, even though he did buy one -- and put it away.
Oh -- and Charlie ate the grinch!
2 comments:
Wendy, not to wonder "WHY?" with Jim. Some deep-seated childhood stuff with him. Don't push it. / I need you to write to me: it's your dad's old friend from Cleveland, Ohio. Need Alida's e-mail address, too. I now live in Pennsylvania in the wilderness (Alida and Sarah and Jonathan have been here but years ago). Saw on the internet that your mom's husband died, that is how I found you! Where are you in Colorado? --LENORE (12-29-07)
Great to hear from you. You can email me at wourpet @ gmail.com
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